Teen, meet baby: Introducing a new sibling after a long age gap
βHe was a wild man when we met,β Darah added. βIt took us quite a while to both feel ready to have another baby.β
When their daughter, Dominique, was 13, they welcomed a second daughter, Mona, and, just over a year later, a son, Corey Jr. βWhen we told our friends that we were having Mona, everyone thought we were a little crazy because our oldest was so close to being independent and a lot of people saw it as starting over,β Corey said.
Although adding a baby is a big transition, adding a baby when there are much older siblings brings particular challenges. βFamilies are systems,β said Anthony G. James Jr., editor in chief ofΒ Marriage and Family ReviewΒ and director of the Family Science Program at Miami University in Oxford, Ohio. βEach person typically has their role, and when those roles shift or there is a disruption β even a good one like a new baby β thereβs likely going to be an adjustment period.β
No two families are the same, and the reasons behind why a baby is joining the family when the sibling or siblings are adolescents can be varied. No matter the reason for the age gap, there are things parents can do to ease the transition.
Expect and welcome a wide range of feelings
A new baby induces a range of emotions for everyone in the family. βOften, parents feel both excited and worried about how things might change,β said Michelle Harris, founder and chief executive ofΒ Parenting Pathfinders. βListening to those feelings and trying to be open and nonjudgmental toward themselves can help parents feel less stressed about the situation.β The same advice applies when helping a teenager process the news of a new sibling. βParents can work to validate their teenagerβs feelings and let them know that itβs okay to feel whatever theyβre feeling,β said Harris, who also suggests parents ask open-ended questions to help their teen think through the βwhyβ behind their feelings. βAdolescents have the language to tell us a lot about how theyβre feeling, but we have to make sure we create a safe space if we want them to do so.β
Seek out support
Support can take many forms in the earliest days of a new babyβs life: a grandparent spending special time with the teenager, a postpartum doula coming over to give nighttime relief, or meals left on the porch by friends and neighbors. As time goes on and the baby loses its novelty, though, itβs important to establish continuous support. βSeeking out support and community with individuals who have a similar family makeup can help give parents the support they need to thrive in their unique situation,β James said. Parents can also check in with their teenagers about whether they might like outside support via a therapist, pastor or other trusted community member.
Maintain family rituals, even if they have to be adjusted
Every family has rituals that make life feel special. Whether holiday meals or weekly game nights, maintaining these rituals after the baby arrives is important. βIt can be helpful to think ahead about how you can shift what you do now so youβre not caught off guard and can prepare your teenager for potential changes,β Harris said. Adjusting rituals to include the new baby might mean moving Sunday brunchtime to accommodate a nap, taking more frequent breaks on family hikes or ordering delivery instead of going out for Friday pizza in the earliest weeks of a babyβs life.
Prioritize one-on-one time
Often, when parents bring home a new baby, thereβs a lot of joy but also a little mourning for the close relationship theyβve shared with their older child or children for so long. βNo matter how joyous the family is about the new baby, both the parent and child may be nervous about their relationship shifting,β James said. One way to buffer feelings of insecurity is to ensure each child still gets dedicated one-on-one time with their parents. Consider picking a regular day (say, every other Saturday afternoon) and choosing an activity that feels more grown-up, such as going to the nail salon rather than the playground. One-on-one time with a spouse or significant other is important to prioritize as well, Harris said, because having a baby can be a major stressor on a relationship. βBe sure to take time at the end of the day to connect and talk about the big things and the little things.β
Avoid giving too much responsibility to older siblings
Thereβs a big difference between asking teenagers to play a helping role in the family and asking them to take on responsibilities outside the traditional scope of an older sibling. βParents and teenagers can talk about what their family situation calls for and how they can all support one another,β James said, but parents should avoid requiring excessive babysitting if they have other options. βWhen you require teenagers to step into an almost parental role, they lose the opportunity to build a sibling bond with the baby and can end up feeling resentful of the situation.β
Create opportunities for sibling bonding
It can be normal for teenagers to be interested in spending time with the new baby one day and not interested the next, James said. βDevelopmentally, adolescents are seeking more autonomy from their family, but that does not mean they donβt care about their new sibling or established routines in their family systems.β He suggests being intentional about creating opportunities for bonding but being careful not to force it. βSome adults are naturally drawn to babies, and others are not; thatβs true for teenagers, too.β Consider asking older siblings how they might like to be involved before the baby arrives and allowing them to choose some items such as clothing or toys theyβd like to give the baby. βOnce the baby arrives,β Harris said, βparents can invite the teen into caregiving activities like feeding, rocking, or playing with the baby to promote bonding.β
Corey Forney couldnβt be happier with the way his family turned out. βI have the long view now, and it makes it so much easier to be patient and enjoy each of my kids.β His advice for anyone who is having a baby with a teenager at home: βDonβt stress too much about how youβre doing. Thereβs nothing like seeing your kids smiling and laughing together and, chances are, youβre probably doing a great job.β
As for Dominique, sheβs more than happy to be a big sister to two much younger siblings. βBeing a big sister of two toddlers definitely isnβt easy, but it is fun,β she said. βSince Iβm so much older than them I get to witness and remember things I wouldnβt remember if I was in their age range.β And while she does have some worries about missing out on parts of her siblingsβ lives when she goes to college, sheβs happy with how her family has grown: “Overall, I wouldnβt trade this in for anything.β
Written by profajames
Anthony G. James, Jr. holds a Ph.D. and M.S. in human development and family studies from the University of Missouri and a B.S. in Sociology (with a minor in Military Science) from Lincoln University (MO). He is an associate professor in the Department of Family Science & Social Work at Miami University. He is the editor-in-chief of Marriage and Family Review. Dr. Jamesβs research and thought leadership has appeared in Diverse Issue in Higher Education, TIME, and the Thrive Center for Human Development blog. He is the editor of Black Families: A Systems Approach, co-editor of Essays of Advice, and author of Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion: A Practical Guide.